Discerning between Myths & Reality

I don’t know why I do what I do what I do but bizarrely, and gratefully, I have found that the news about you bothered me a lot less than I expected it to, and when I “laughed it off” it was by no means an act, but I sincerely found the whole thing funny.
Who am I to judge you?  An acquaintance with an obvious past of her own.  I won’t claim to be above my previous behavior because it’s such a part of the person I’ve become and I can’t claim to be disappointed because what you did was behavior that is practically expected of drunk college boys.

I think mostly I laughed because for the first time I realized how STUPID I had been to actually have had any genuine expectations of you.  I know it doesn’t make sense to anyone else but when I meet you and I like you, I LOVE you.  I just do.  I saw something different in you and it pleased me but after what happened, the absurdity of my opinion of you literally made me laugh in the face of the truth.  
I don’t know why I’m so dumb when it comes to trusting people.  Like a child, I wander into a room full of strangers and settle on the couch and feel so endeared to them while my mom-friends frantically run at my heels insisting that I shouldn’t talk to strangers, insisting that I shouldn’t love so freely.
They’re right of course and I don’t mean any of these ramblings to mean much to you or really even to myself, it’s just funny.  I think this is simply a part of the process in which I’m releasing my inhibitions.  
For two years I’ve forgotten my name.  In adjusting to the small town life I’ve slowly slipped away from my former confidence: my swag, my insanity, my sense of self, and my reputation.

In a previous post I mentioned how that crazy rambling side of me had been awakened and how I had relished in my energy and how it had also frightened me, but mostly how it had made me realize that it was the first time I had actually been MYSELF.  Two nights ago when I heard about you, I didn’t feel upset.  Instead, I felt a small thrill of excitement, awakening the part of me I had completely forgotten had existed.  It hasn’t been just the conversational side of myself that has been diminished…
You, so newly… real, with all of your flaws and truths, have become so much more attractive to me than the bright idea I had held in my head.  Your candid actions have sparked in me a moment of recognition- of the kind of nights I used to have that have been long since forgotten.  
Now, I’m excited to see you again, wholly myself.  It’s good to know you aren’t what I perceived you to be, but someone more worldly.  It helps to eliminate any lingering guilt I would have once I am fully restored to my real self…

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