October 2010
1 post
I’m fairly certain, if my hiatus didn’t make this clear enough, that I’m retiring this blog until further notice. P.S. certain person who dreams themselves to be larger than this small town because they’re just so “hip” and “trendy” …fuck you and your chubby cakeface. you really don’t dress well and i’d go about mastering basic...
September 2010
14 posts
:)
NOTHING beats the feeling of suddenly starting and finishing a story in one sitting. I feel so blissful and accomplished and emptied that nothing can rob me of this high, not the fact that I sacrificed my shower to write undisturbed or that I wrote for almost four hours straight. Now going to bed to finish reading my book.
I have high hopes for tomorrow as well. Life is good. PS....
Discerning between Myths & Reality
I don’t know why I do what I do what I do but bizarrely, and gratefully, I have found that the news about you bothered me a lot less than I expected it to, and when I “laughed it off” it was by no means an act, but I sincerely found the whole thing funny. Who am I to judge you? An acquaintance with an obvious past of her own. I won’t claim to be above my previous behavior...
Day 10
One confession:
FUCKING FINALLY. I AM FINALLY DONE WITH THIS SHIT. NEVER AGAIN WILL I VOLUNTARILY COMMIT MYSELF TO A TRENDY BLOG STINT.
Except also I really have no interesting secrets to tell.
Hmm… Me? I think I am really bad at being human. I don’t mean this as a joke or as an emo cry for help, but when I honestly assess myself and my thoughts, I just don’t see how my...
Day 9
Two smileys that describe your life right now:
This one honestly pisses me off in terms of how fucking retarded it is but with a resigned sigh I find myself nevertheless completing the given assignment. *sigh*
I wish there was an emoticon for the eye-roll. I’ve been rolling my eyes all weekend because people are cocky and judgmental and boys are cocky and dumb and all of these things...
I loveilove I love you$e
keep tttalking thatblahblah blah. honestly i fucking love you for your sloppiness and honesty, for actually being extremely intelligent and not giving a shit if people are too dumb to realize there’s more to you than your act, for overcoming foodstamps and poverty, for peeing in sinks, for fishing clothes out of garbage cans, for peeing glitter, for being one of the only artists that...
“Fuck you, I refuse to ever believe that ignorance is bliss. Give me instead the...”
Day 8
Three turn ons:
Isn’t this basically identical to that list of what I look for in guys? This is getting so repetitive I swear on my life never to do these things again and am only following through with this one because a) I’d like to finish what I’ve started, & b) It keeps me accountable if I go not posting anything for a few days longer than I should. But really, not...
la ti da da da
mmmmm woke up at 2 in the afternoon and felt lazy and unproductive so i grabbed my hot pink planner and i listed out a honey do list and i feel so much better.
here’s to a day of spontaneous cleaning, making myself food, watching my first episode of family guy in literally months for some well deserved comic relief, reading the communist manifesto and taking notes in the margin, rereading...
Day 7
Four turn offs:
(All of the following apply to the opposite sex) …idk really what to write because the first two i was going to mention were whiny voices and shortness but on my list of turn ons i already listed nice voices and height and i don’t want this list to just be the opposite of everything i’ve already said… hmmm
-Men that are too generically good looking. The...
“It’s the leftover humans. The survivors. They’re the ones I can’t stand to look...”
– The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
the arrival of autumn
i used to love autumn. it was my favorite season. also i used to get really defensive when people called it fall because fall is such an ugly short word and autumn sounds so much lovelier, just the way it rolls off the tongue and has a silent n, but anyways now it’s like 1 in the morn and i can’t fight this feeling of cabin fever and it’s building up in a rising panic in my chest...
Day 6
Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever):
- S<3. - J. - R. - J.B. - 고모
no explanations. you are often, recently, or simply always on my mind and in my life and i am ever challenged, loved, reassured, and grateful.
only two of the five are actual names. if you hadn’t noticed, i use a lot of codenames that go beyond just initials. for example, the first crush i ever wrote...
sigh
honestly, YOU with your semi cute face, all caked up in eyeliner and that fucking irritating cold smile. you bother me for reasons beyond just your insignificant self. there are so many versions of you in this place. you are not YOU but a general, allencompassing ”you” of all the people exactly like YOU. you represent to me the crux of everything i hate about small town living. the...
Day 5
Six things you wish you’d never done:
sorry, i know this is beyond belated but whenever i tried to create this list i kept drawing blanks. that isn’t to say i think of myself as some perfect being. obviously i have made my share of mistakes that range from being drunkenly dragged out of a high school basketball game by security at the tender age of fifteen (clearly taylor swift and i...
“I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you,...”
– Eat, Pray, Love
August 2010
35 posts
confused...
this is a weird place i am at. i am so happy but so unhappy and so excited but so scared and so ready to escape but so reluctant to leave home and so social but so misanthropic.
i’ve had so much fun this weekend just meeting new people and being myself for the first time in two years but it was a little scary because i couldn’t shut up or censor myself and i knew people were really...
A.
I have never been as terrified as the moment when I met you and you tried to make me laugh and you looked at me in a way that I knew and I pushed your hand off my waist and ran. It’s just inconceivable to me that someone like you could happen to someone like me. Hopefully, the next time we meet, I’ll be a little braver.
brb
won’t be home for three or so days. thank god. promise to update upon my arrival for Days 5, 6, and 7.
The worst people in the world are the self righteous.
monster, how should i feel?
i’m not me for a second and you’re not you reading this and he’s not him shaking his head at my outstretched arms and my mom’s not my mom trying to drown out my hysterical screams and my brother’s not my brother trying to choke back his bitter retorts while i tremble and shriek at him in unbridled rage.
there is just so much wrong with me that i can’t help...
DEAR WORLD,
IF THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE LEFT TO GIVE ME….
FUCK YOU AND ALL OF YOUR INHABITANTS.
Day 4
Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
Fuck. This one is actually pretty difficult for me because my mind is such a jumbled mess and I can never get it to shut up or really even just focus on one thing at a time. Uhh…
-This constant, inexplicable stressed feeling that makes me freak out for no reason because I always feel like I should be somewhere doing something or I missed a deadline...
short and sweet
k real quick before i go back to writing letters i forgot to mention that i went out to eat with H. a few hours ago. At the time it was nothing worth blogging about but then I realized that the rest of the tumblr world is probably assuming i’m still totally infatuated by his bovine blank stares and mindless conversation but alack and alas, i have finally broken free from his hold! so yeah...
GOD I JUST REALLY FUCKING LOVE CAKE.
Day 3
Eight ways to win your heart:
-Height. I love tall guys more than I love goodlooking guys. -Intelligence. Even if it’s more science oriented, or political knowledge, or even philosophical- I don’t need you to have read Dostoevsky or debate with me the merits of the oxford comma. Everyone has their own passions but I just need someone that is driven and knowledgeable about something...
Dreams, revisited
Last night before I went to bed I could hear shuffling and footsteps outside my shut bedroom door. My breath caught in my chest and I could scarcely breathe because I swear to God the gait sounded identical to that of my father’s. I knew it was an impossibility and yet there was no way it WASN’T him. After all the years of living with him and hearing him walk around the house,...
sometimes i feel so small
Day 2
Nine things about yourself:
- I literally fall in love at the drop of a hat. I fall hopelessly and madly in love with drama characters, novel protagonists, movie heroes, strangers that brush my shoulder with theirs when walking past me on a busy street, handsome men i make eye contact with over the produce section, cute guys who give me attention in that second and make me laugh or feel more...
Day 1
Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now:
-SB: I’m sorry. There are a lot of people who have come and go in my life but I have to say you were one of the most important people I have ever encountered. You always put others before yourself and you always gave me the best advice and I’ve just never had anyone in my life as righteous and reliable and encouraging as...
because without a list i'll probably go back to...
10 day challenge
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now. Day Two: Nine things about yourself. Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever). Day Seven: Four turn offs. Day Eight: Three turn ons. Day...
[ocd]- obsessive compulsions divulged...
godDAMN its been a year and a half since my last real post… i don’t know. i have so much going on in my life and the second i hop on the computer and try to blog about it all, i get so lost in all the maudlin quotes about embracing life and the pretty pictures of celebrities and gorgeous shoes filling up nearly thirty pages of my updates that i hesitate, thinking that in writing...
“What’s coming is a million new reasons not to live your life. You can deny your...”
– Chuck Palahniuk
Associative Properties
I was walking up the street today and I saw two red trucks, one of which was a Tacoma so obviously I thought of my baby S. And then I was struck by a funny thought. I go through my life making millions of associations unthinkingly and am reminded of people I love, hate, or barely even know the second I see an object, or color, or car, or book, or building. Some of them are more obvious- whenever...
I feel so awkward.
“To live without the creative potential of our
own destructiveness is to be a...”
– Sheldon B. Kopp
a ray of sunshine
“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” I know that quote by Mac McGuff has been worn out to the nth degree by trendy hipsters...
wtf part 2....
i had a restless five hour nap today where i woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily in the dim room.
i dreamt that my dad had never died and that i had been going around for the past year and a half saying that he had when really he was just alive and hospitalized for all this time and i had never gone to see him because i had mistaken him for dead all along. it was honestly the most fucked...
“i have scars on my hands from touching certain people.”
– J.D. Salinger
wtf....
random but i JUST remembered this all too vivid dream from a few nights ago where i watched my mom get remarried…
i can already feel the bile rising up in my throat.
hopefully this georgia weather will stay uncharacteristically cold and grey when i come home from work so i can go for a 2 mile run bleghhhhhhhhh
I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE//
stopaskingmequestionsstopwonderinghowi’mdoingstopaskingmewhatswrongstopbeing disappointedinmestopexpectinganythingfrommestoppityingmestopcopyingmestopjudging mestopseeingmestoptouchingmestoppretendingtobemyfriendsoyoucantgetinmypantssto pbeingnicetomestopaskingmewherei’mfromstopglancingatmewiththatlookinyoureyestop...
“Someday quite soon I want to learn to paint in bright colors instead of just...”
– I want to learn to LOVE LIFE.
S2.
I don’t know what it is in me that always compels me to run. It is the same illness that bruises your forearms that grabs me by my throat and constricts it until I wish myself gone and unalive so I can just breathe again. I feel so guilty the nausea eats away at me from the inside out, but anything is better than the crushing pressure of BEING.
An escape, a way out, a blank slate, a state...
