I’m fairly certain, if my hiatus didn’t make this clear enough, that I’m retiring this blog until further notice.

P.S. certain person who dreams themselves to be larger than this small town because they’re just so “hip” and “trendy” …fuck you and your chubby cakeface. you really don’t dress well and i’d go about mastering basic grammar and the stairmaster before putting on airs.

P.P.S. everyone else. sorry i couldn’t end with more integrity given how much work i put into this blog but more than artifices this blog was always more concerned with truth.
i never really got to record my nightmares or extrapolate more about religion and boys but i don’t have it in me anymore to bare the few things i’ve got left. especially given the kind of people there are in this world…

i’m happier just living these things than recording them (to an extent)
sorry this was beyond convoluted and petty and unworthy of serving as any sort of “finale” but all there is left to say is goodbye goodbye goodbyeeeeee

<3

:)

NOTHING beats the feeling of suddenly starting and finishing a story in one sitting.  I feel so blissful and accomplished and emptied that nothing can rob me of this high, not the fact that I sacrificed my shower to write undisturbed or that I wrote for almost four hours straight.
Now going to bed to finish reading my book.

I have high hopes for tomorrow as well.  Life is good. 
PS. JF=heartbreaking,aching,real,raw,<3. 

Discerning between Myths & Reality

I don’t know why I do what I do what I do but bizarrely, and gratefully, I have found that the news about you bothered me a lot less than I expected it to, and when I “laughed it off” it was by no means an act, but I sincerely found the whole thing funny.
Who am I to judge you?  An acquaintance with an obvious past of her own.  I won’t claim to be above my previous behavior because it’s such a part of the person I’ve become and I can’t claim to be disappointed because what you did was behavior that is practically expected of drunk college boys.

I think mostly I laughed because for the first time I realized how STUPID I had been to actually have had any genuine expectations of you.  I know it doesn’t make sense to anyone else but when I meet you and I like you, I LOVE you.  I just do.  I saw something different in you and it pleased me but after what happened, the absurdity of my opinion of you literally made me laugh in the face of the truth.  
I don’t know why I’m so dumb when it comes to trusting people.  Like a child, I wander into a room full of strangers and settle on the couch and feel so endeared to them while my mom-friends frantically run at my heels insisting that I shouldn’t talk to strangers, insisting that I shouldn’t love so freely.
They’re right of course and I don’t mean any of these ramblings to mean much to you or really even to myself, it’s just funny.  I think this is simply a part of the process in which I’m releasing my inhibitions.  
For two years I’ve forgotten my name.  In adjusting to the small town life I’ve slowly slipped away from my former confidence: my swag, my insanity, my sense of self, and my reputation.

In a previous post I mentioned how that crazy rambling side of me had been awakened and how I had relished in my energy and how it had also frightened me, but mostly how it had made me realize that it was the first time I had actually been MYSELF.  Two nights ago when I heard about you, I didn’t feel upset.  Instead, I felt a small thrill of excitement, awakening the part of me I had completely forgotten had existed.  It hasn’t been just the conversational side of myself that has been diminished…
You, so newly… real, with all of your flaws and truths, have become so much more attractive to me than the bright idea I had held in my head.  Your candid actions have sparked in me a moment of recognition- of the kind of nights I used to have that have been long since forgotten.  
Now, I’m excited to see you again, wholly myself.  It’s good to know you aren’t what I perceived you to be, but someone more worldly.  It helps to eliminate any lingering guilt I would have once I am fully restored to my real self…

Day 10

One confession:

FUCKING FINALLY.  I AM FINALLY DONE WITH THIS SHIT.  NEVER AGAIN WILL I VOLUNTARILY COMMIT MYSELF TO A TRENDY BLOG STINT.

Except also I really have no interesting secrets to tell.

Hmm… Me?  I think I am really bad at being human.  I don’t mean this as a joke or as an emo cry for help, but when I honestly assess myself and my thoughts, I just don’t see how my being human could have resulted from anything apart from an accident.  I hope that while none of you can really comprehend the full weight of this confession, maybe the people who know me intimately and know my greatest shortcomings are comprised of how stupidly I love too much and of my naive faith in mankind and of how consequently my understanding of the workings of humans equals that of a child’s and of how I let every little thing break me- that maybe they can understand how my only place in life should have been as a movie character or the femme fatale in a dusty novel- anything but something so real.

Day 9

Two smileys that describe your life right now:

This one honestly pisses me off in terms of how fucking retarded it is but with a resigned sigh I find myself nevertheless completing the given assignment. *sigh*

I wish there was an emoticon for the eye-roll.  I’ve been rolling my eyes all weekend because people are cocky and judgmental and boys are cocky and dumb and all of these things caused me to roll my eyes not because I was hurt but because it’s LUDICROUS how people assume I should actually give a shit LOL.  If I am not talking to you it’s not because I’m sad or awkward but because I really don’t want to be talking to you.  Bitches aint shit.
I make it rain, trick.

My faces:

-______-

;P

Better faces:

(http://www.buzzfeed.com/turtlefeed/emoticon-faces-acted-out-by-turtles-ruc) 

I loveilove I love you$e

keep tttalking thatblahblah blah. honestly i fucking love you for your sloppiness and honesty, for actually being extremely intelligent and not giving a shit if people are too dumb to realize there’s more to you than your act, for overcoming foodstamps and poverty, for peeing in sinks, for fishing clothes out of garbage cans, for peeing glitter, for being one of the only artists that actually wrote/co-wrote every single song on her album, for objectifying men the way rappers objectify women, and for knowing what the fuck it means to just LIVELIVELIVE and celebrate the exuberance of youth and rebellious fun and raw animal spirits and tribal head-dresses and old men fUCK YEA<3

Day 8

Three turn ons:

Isn’t this basically identical to that list of what I look for in guys?  This is getting so repetitive I swear on my life never to do these things again and am only following through with this one because a) I’d like to finish what I’ve started, & b) It keeps me accountable if I go not posting anything for a few days longer than I should.  But really, not doing this shit again.  Bahh now I actually have to rack my brain for things I like about boyz apart from height and smiles and intelligence, which really leaves very little…
I also feel like I’m the only one that takes these assignments so seriously.

Err… awk but I’m just going to name the three things I like about A. because right now he’s just on my mind (through more of a conscious decision to keep him on my mind, rather than because I can’t stop thinking about him but feeling warm and fuzzy instead of shitty nonetheless ha) and I would like to acknowledge the things about him that make me happy, which in turn are really the things about him that make him so different from anyone I’ve encountered these past two years.

A:
-Genuine.  He is what he is and he loves what he loves and he knows what he wants and goes after it without giving a single consideration as to who might be watching.
-Smartass.  I still can’t believe the way he trumped me in my own argument so swiftly.
-Confident.  He isn’t confident through that trite swagger all college boyz have that has been exhausted by their hubris and locker room talk and drinking tales, but truly confident in the sense that he could unflinchingly approach me a second time instead of nursing his ego by talking shit and getting with someone else after his failed first attempt.

Lalalalalalala

S, in case you were wondering, A. very much stands for the brother of a glorious Roman heroine.  
To be anymore specific would be giving too much away but I’m sure you put the pieces together prior to my elucidation :)
It is absolutely bizarre how my entire mood can be radically reversed through one convenient distraction.  I’m a little taken aback by the effectiveness of my own mind games but perhaps there is some validity to positive thinking…
Happy boy chasing dearest Goddess of the Hunt.

la ti da da da

mmmmm woke up at 2 in the afternoon and felt lazy and unproductive so i grabbed my hot pink planner and i listed out a honey do list and i feel so much better.

here’s to a day of spontaneous cleaning, making myself food, watching my first episode of family guy in literally months for some well deserved comic relief, reading the communist manifesto and taking notes in the margin, rereading an essay i wrote about the odyssey, planning my trip abroad, dancing with no pants on, and writing my own response to the epic of gilgamesh.

sometimes i get so caught up in the nothingness and the mean reds that i just forget to enjoy it…

more fun and cupcakes tomorrow with someone i’ve missed dearly.
off enjoying life, peace!